Most people say the worst thing about revenants is that awful moan they make when they see you, and it is awful. The thing that always got me though, was the rancid smell of death. What's even worse, is when you fight them for too long the bits of goo and yuck start getting stuck on you, so you start smelling as bad as the things you are fighting.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. The name’s Hermes. No, I'm not “Hermes the magician” Hermes or “Hermes the purse guy” Hermes. I’m Hermes the God of messengers, thieves, and being way cooler than all the other Gods.

This is a story about the time that Hades took a bunch of souls, turned them into revenants, and sent them to my village to get the residents to renounce me and make him their patron. It wasn't exactly a party, though it was still more fun than that time in Troy.

Once upon a time in Arcadia blah blah satyrs, blah blah nymphs, you know the drill, there was a little village near where I grew up called Akakasion. It was small, but my cult there was very understanding, they don’t even talk about the “Incident” or that “Other” time. I was recovering from an unfortunate adventure involving Artemis and Ares and saw a man arrive into the village square dressed in black robes. I immediately pegged him as a Priest of Hades (it's the smell of old death and dirt) even before the cart with the statue of Hades came up behind him, the last bit of daylight fading behind it.

I decided it wasn’t time for me to be seen, so I faded into the crowd that gathered around him as he spoke. “People of Akakasion hear me! I am Argon, Priest of Hades and I bring you your salvation! Hades has chosen your village as the birthplace of his glorious Empire.” The Priest smiled knowingly. “You and your village will be remembered as long as life lasts. All you must do is smash this statue,” and the Priest gestured to the really quite splendid statue of me that was sitting in the center of the square, “and replace it with this statue of Hades, your glorious new Lord who will bring order and peace. You have one hour. If you do not accept your exalted position as servants of my Lord, then you will be consumed by His servants. Choose well.”

The Priest then rode off, leaving the statue at the edge of the square.

Now, before we go any further there’s something you need to know about Hades. He isn't just the King of the Underworld. He's also a major control freak. Though he’d deny it, if you get him drunk enough he'll admit that he thinks this whole “life” thing is a messy mistake and he’d much prefer a world of perfect, unchanging order. Not that I'd EVER do anything like that. With the wine. In the third alcove to the left, where they keep Cerberus’ food. Anyhow. So long story short, this Argon guy really wanted to murder a bunch of villagers.

All I had to do was figure out a way to convince the villagers that Father Spooky McCreeperton didn't have their best interest at heart, come up with a plan, prepare the defenses, and… I hadn't thought of the rest yet.

So I pulled back my “I’m not the God you’re looking for” field and stepped forward. “Hey, I’m Giles, a Priest of Hermes, and I think we need to…“

An old woman interrupted me, “not trust Argon? Agreed. I don’t like the look of him.”

A man walking by chimed in, “Argon? Yeah, what was that about? Did you see his look when he talked about the village being remembered? He might as well have said, ‘because I’m murdering everyone’ and gotten it over with. I think we should get while the getting’s good!”

The old woman shook her head, “No time. We'd try and wander around in the dark and not make a lick of progress while whatever it is that he has planned for us comes a calling. Hey, Giles is it? You have any sway with Athena, maybe? Even Ares would be pretty good!”

I sighed, “I can assure you that Ares will come at some point tonight. Unfortunately, I’m not sure that Athena will be availa…”

Right then a short sword shaped like a throwing dagger flew into the statue of Hades, almost cutting it in half. I turned around and saw the source of the attack. She was tall, wearing a full suit of armor that made her a walking wall of bronze, with a brace of those throwing swords across her back, and a sword almost as tall as I was on top of the brace. She scowled just a little. I straightened up, which meant I was in line with the middle of her chest, “Good evening, ma’am. That’s some very impressive… swordsmanship? Throwing? Landscaping? Name’s Giles, Priest of Hermes.” Her scowl quickly turned into a wide grin. “Priest of Hermes, you say?” She strode forward with jovial determination and gave what can only be described as an ordeal of a hug.

To this day I’m not sure how I, Hermes, feel about being picked up and spun in a hug. After clearing my throat slightly and adjusting my toga, “And you are?”

“Oh, yes. Elpis, Priestess of Ares.” Elpis looked around for a moment and sniffed the air. “He was here, wasn’t he? Argon? What's left of that statue looks like one of his. Come see.”

She walked over to the statue and shifted some of the remains to the side. It almost looked like a sculpted body from the inside, complete with internal organs.

“See, this guy Argon likes to hire mercenaries to kill creatures that turn people to stone. They try, they fail, and he uses their corpses to make statues of Hades. He got my brother and I got the ok to go out looking for him."

I blinked, “You got permission from Ares to go hunt someone?”

Elpis laughed, “Ares? I’m not that much of a hero. I got the ok from Airlea, my… Priestess of Aphrodite.” I nodded knowingly. Women turning to each other for comfort and love wasn't exactly uncommon but it’s important to be subtle.

“Anyhow, what’s up, Giles!?”

“Well, Argon said the villagers had to worship Hades and prove their dedication by putting that statue in the square.” Elpis lightly kicked the pile of rubble at her feet, “This heap of stones?” I sighed, “Yup.”

Elpis put away the throwing sword she used on the statue, drew her great-sword, and started sharpening it. “And he is coming back to kill everyone, right?”

“Yeah. That's the long and short of it.”

Elpis grinned, “So you got a plan or are we going to just wait for the end to come?”

“Well, I was thinking we should dig a trench, fill it with brush, set it on fire, and wait for Argon’s ‘servants’.”

“Oh, revenants? That won’t work at all. If all the ways to their goal are equally bad they'll just push through, fill the trench with their corpses, and kill us all. That is the start of a good idea though.”

Elpis taps her chin thoughtfully and calls over the village elders. After about 5 minutes they came up with a plan. They were going to dig trenches and fill them with fire, the trenches would have a single gap in the front of the town, just like at the Bay of Flowers.

As if timed by fate (dating a Goddess of magic has its perks) the second that the work was finished and Elpis lit the fire, we heard the first cry.

Now, the way you can tell the difference between a revenant and what would be known in a couple thousand years as zombies, is the sound they make. Zombies make a low moan while revenants screech. A lot.

Nature's dead were the first to crash into the line. Rotted wolves, skeletal boars, and misshapen bears, all with glowing red eyes, emerged from the dark of a moonless night charging straight towards the nervous villagers holding sharpened sticks and makeshift shields.

Somehow the line held.

Minutes seemed like hours as the things ran and crashed upon the wall of wood. Elpis smiled and shouted, “Is that all you have, Argon? You are embarrassing yourself!”

It was then that a mighty roar echoed into the distance which was followed by a crashing sound as a gigantic skeletal monster came lumbering towards the line. It had two long curved teeth in the front, enormous feet, what looked like a single eye in the middle of its head, and was easily taller than any mortal... even Elpis.

The Priestess of Ares grinned and turned to me, “Now that’s what I’m talking about! Giles, take the line. I’ve got a date with tall, dark, and bony over there!”

Before I could say anything she sprinted off throwing two of her short swords at the thing’s legs, which caused its charge to slow just enough for Elpis to leap onto first its skull and then its spine, hacking at the magical bonds holding it together. With an ear piercing shriek the thing flailed and bucked wildly in a futile attempt to shake her off.

And then, behind me, I heard a muffled scream.

I whirled around and saw a large tiger skeleton, its huge tusks sunk deep into the throat and lungs of one of the water bearers, killing him instantly. The beast yanked its blood stained teeth out of the poor boy and with a low, grating sound, started to walk towards me. I tried to shout but something stopped me. Something dark. Something immortal. The outer world ceased to exist. It was just the tiger skeleton, Hades’ presence, and I.

Worst threesome ever.

*End of part one*