Thirteen years have passed since then. Thirteen long years that seem to have flown by far more swift than I could have ever imagined. 2008 is a year I remember deeply in a couple ways. One way of how I felt my life was spiraling out of control and in another when you were my saving grace. You were supposed to be the prince who carried me out of the tower. You were supposed to be the one I woke up next to each morning. You were supposed to be the one I had my future children with, remember them? The three we gave names to.... At that time, I was young and at a vulnerable point in my life, later to discover 2008 would be my most significantly traumatic year thus far. Not because of you, everything you did for me I am grateful for and my pain is not your fault. But, hearing your name I am mixed. Hearing your name in my thoughts fills me with joy, bliss, grief, betrayal, anger and warmth.

How could you leave me with the text "I think we should be free?" How could you leave me alone and then torment me with your words when I tried to speak to you? After all the tenderness I showed you, how could you become toxic to me? Why did you? Well, you know we were young back then and just starting to discover who we were. Those questions changed as the years went by;

How could I let you affect me so deeply that it took me eleven years to get rid of your hoodie? How could I allow your name to be a constant void in my soul for thirteen years? How could I let myself be a prisoner of my own emotion? You didn't do this to me, I did this to myself. I have been holding on to adolescent trauma and did not know how to be free. I have been holding on to the light in that dark corner which was you, because, I thought your name was the only sound that would ease the wailing of my inner adolescent...

The root chakra is where our inner child and sense security rests. With traumatic stress before our elevation into adulthood, our root chakra becomes damaged and we lose the feeling of being secure. When this happens, we tend to use our good memories of someone from that time as a crutch to block out the traumatic events rather than working through them and raising above. In a way, we are choosing to let the emotions drown us until we are brave enough to reach back in time. This crutch is a toxic temporary internal practice that does not help to cope with deep-seeded CPTSD. We use it kind of like a drug, because the memory of our past is a shadow we do not want to face. In my experience, I can easily say I was terrified of this shadow as I feared it would consume me. The fear was my downfall, trying to keep the shadow away with the once loved as a shield made the shadow over-tower my mind. Eventually, my past had devoured me in the way I feared it would.

That consumption had a positive side. There is a saying that I stand firmly beside when it comes to shadow work; "The stars cannot shine without the dark sky." The consumption from my shadow was a walk through the underworld and a part of me that I needed to put to death. Not in the physical sense, but closing that toxic door to allow another to open. My star needed to find a way to shine. Even though you are in a hole, it is never the end. This consumption made me realize that I am my own saving grace and I had to give myself the love I needed in 2008 in order to heal my root chakra and inner child. There was no way I can make it though the underworld if I did not leave this crutch behind.

I stood tall in my journey and saw the fifteen year old Raven in her most broken down state. I saw my 2008 timeline, every single hardship and mistake weighing heavily. I spoke to my adolescent self. "You are young, the mistakes you make are there for you to learn and grow from. I promise you that you will love the person you become. The kids your age torturing you are kids themselves. They, like you, are just discovering themselves and learning life experiences. You're not alone in this moment. You are loved, you have the right to be loved. I am you and I love the person I am. I am beautiful, smart, independent, and 2008 has made me wise in 2021. I am happy to be alive all because of you and your strength to power through."

Once Loved, thank you for your lesson that helped me find the person I have become. I think we should be free.